My fingers bleed as I scratch my head,
Trying to liberate memories, once voluntarily repressed,
From my mind, to relive you once again.
Freedom
Disconnected: My +80 hrs without Internet
I’ve been off the internet for around 87 hours: from May 21st at 1:47 till May 24th at 17:42.
I initially wanted to spend 72 hours offline, but as you can see, I was fine with a little more.
Why? I just really felt I needed a break. I was done with coursework earlier than expected, and with a heavier workload expected to kick off in a week, starting on May 27th, I knew I was desperate for a recharge.
Part of the internet-prohibition program (or IPP) was concerned with examining how removing an essential element in my day-to-day life could change my behavior, thinking and daily activities (these will NOT be discussed here in full detail). It was also a test for self-control, which I’m proud to declare I’ve successfully passed.
Day 1 started at 10:00 a.m. The first thought that came to mind when I woke up was “oh! No internet today – what to do?” I got up, drank a glass of water and went down to the gym. Hold it – those of you who know me know that I don’t go to the gym! But, well, time was there and I had to kill it. I went for a swim afterwards. I was worn out by midday so I threw myself on the couch. I picked up The Big Miss by Hank Haney and decided I will finish reading it that day. It felt good to cross another book off my to-read list.
I listened to music, wrote a song, and made green tea by mistake. It seemed like an internet-free day changed how my taste buds function; I came to know that I actually like green tea now – I’ve NEVER liked green tea before.
Oh, I also cleaned up my computer, changed my desktop background, screensaver, and pointer.
Little things, I know. However, at the very beginning of the day, I began questioning whether any of my activities had anything to do with the internet: is this thing I’m eating connected to the internet? Is listening to music so? Will I break the rules if I did this and that? It was strange, but not too strange. I think it was just an indication of how fundamental the internet really is in my life. Pathetic.
The next day started off at a slower pace. I was a bit sick. I started reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wild. Internet-less, I used a dictionary to look up new definitions. I cannot even recall the last time I laid my hands on a dictionary. It must have been sitting on the self untouched for ages. I quoted beautiful phrases mentioned in the novel – many of which relate to my own thoughts. In retrospect, I was merely looking for self-confirmation – some sort of an outside source that simply agrees with what goes on inside my head, whether it’s right or wrong, ironically. I must admit, Oscar Wilde comforted me so deeply.
My nights were thought-free. My circadian rhythm was functioning perfectly. My mornings were peaceful. Disconnection gave me a pure sense of freedom from everything, even from the not-so-pleasant side of me.
I must confess though, when there were few things to do during my day, I felt I was missing the internet. I even dreamed I broke down and opened it. Not surprisingly, this happened by the end of the first 24 hours and the beginning of the following ones. My sister, lovely as she is, hammered me with questions like “giving up, yet?” Yes, I was put down for a little while but I got over it.
My ‘recently opened apps’ window was slightly too boring. Memo was frequently opened – I had no access to twitter and my thoughts needed to be written somewhere. The Music app was opened too many times as well – I must have listened to Let Her Go by Passenger at least 26 times.
Three days have passed. I woke up the next morning, the day I allowed myself to access the internet again. Strangely enough, I felt no urge whatsoever. I was slightly fearful of the things I might have missed during the last 72 hours – the e-mails I had to reply to, schedules I had to arrange.. etc. I went for a walk to get some fresh air and forget the world. It was such a beautiful day.
And by precisely 17:44…
What did I miss? Honestly, not much. Except for that one time we sat to dinner.. my sis and my parents were talking about something I hadn’t heard of because I was on IPP so … yeah.
What did I come to know?
- I have much self-control.
- I cannot stand not doing something.
- I can finish a novel in two days.
- I would marry Lord Henry.
- I am too creative even when I am not thinking.
- I sleep like a baby when I have nothing on my mind. I wake up early without having to set an alarm.
- If you just want to chill and relax, internet should NOT be an option.
- Internet is a want, not a need. You should be able to have a life without it.
- I allow myself to get a sense of accomplishment by doing seemingly trivial things.
Okay! I know these are very definite conclusions for a relatively small and brief experiment. If I had the freedom, I would have done it for a lot longer. Perhaps I will, sometime in the future, when I am less bound by my studies and a little more free.
This break allowed me a glimpse of slow-life. Each minute of the day naturally felt like a minute long.
By the end of it, I was honestly stress-free, very cheerful and happy. I thought to myself… Life is wonderful.
The Freedom of Uncertainty
If we take a step back and look at the things we take for granted, we might start to believe we are Gods. We plan years into the future – anything and everything – from studies, holidays, projects. You name it. We are just so damn sure we’re surviving every second of every single day.
Don’t get me wrong. Planning is good, setting goals is great, but the truth is we might be pushing it a little too far. We immerse ourselves in prospective events, forgetting the gift of the present.
The sad reality is that each one of us needs a painful punch in the face or a catastrophic wake-up call. I’ve had my near-death experiences, but I know that I should have and could have realized this long before.
Here’s my perspective:
Fear-of-uncertainty is a symptom, slowly causing the taking-for-granted disease, and the after-effect of disappointment.
And I get it. Look at the world. Everything we do is built upon the desire for certainty so it is natural that certainty contributes to our comfort, happiness, well-being. We like to be certain that when we grow up we get employed and make money, so we go to schools and universities. We like to be certain that we are safe and protected, so we create laws and governments. We like to be certain that our partner won’t leave us the next morning, so we get married. Those are rather weak examples, because, unfortunately, humans have already found ways to defy them. Bottom line though, social institutions, interactions, boundaries, and laws are there to exert control – to make our lives predictable and conventional – nobody wants to live in randomness, chaos and anarchy.
I totally get that. That’s awesome. I like to wake up every day knowing that I have access to internet and food to eat.
But this is escalating. It is altering our sense of self and appreciation of life. We don’t feel that anymore because we live in the nonexistent future.
Diagnosis and Explanation:
If we contemplate the premise, fear-of-uncertainty, it is only making us spin our wheels. Fear of uncertainty urges us to anticipate future events in our lives and take them for granted, because it gives us a sense of comfort, safety and certainty, only to be disappointed later on. We like to be in-control, but we are driven by fear. We’re driven by a rusty thought, so it is only logical that things won’t turn out well.
I don’t just sit there, contemplating the mess. I’m not saying that you should either. In fact, I’m asking you to work your ass off in this very moment and let the universe take care of the rest. Expect nothing. This is not only comforting, but also plausible.
Reason:
My friend, David Hume, happens to share my views. His work suggests that our belief in causation is nothing more than a habit or custom; we don’t have rational basis to explain why something causes something else because there is no impression of the necessary connection between cause-and-effect. Our experience has taught us to believe in constant conjunction that B frequently follows A, but the odds are things might turn out to be random, needless to mention our human experiences. Experience does not provide evidence for that necessity.
Re-read.
What Hume is trying to say is that we can never know for sure why something causes another, because the connection between any cause and any effect is vague or nonexistent. Our mind happens to group A & B because they constantly show up together, and not because there is an impression of this connection, i.e. there is no lively and forceful element that underlies causation. There is no rational, 1+1 = 2 relationship between cause-and-effect.
We can only be certain that things are uncertain.
Here’s the bad news, as David Levithan puts it:
“The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to uncertainty.”
Uncertainty is incurable. Live with it. Don’t go trying to find your way around, you’ll catch the disease.
The good news is that we can think of uncertainty as a source of freedom and not fear. We can change the mindset and believe that the outcome might turn out to be better than we expected. The universe is ordered, I choose to believe that. It’s just that our awareness of this order is very limited. Solution? Live in the now and embrace uncertainty. Take this moment and make the most out of it. It is exciting and thrilling, and we long for these sensations to feel human and alive, and not robotic.
If you choose to plan, align your expectations with reality.
As a reminder, you need to do your part and take nothing for granted. After all, a hole in one is pure luck, but getting it close to the hole is a skill.
Did I mention I’m still preaching that to myself?
Mindless Notes 