Little Things

Life, at times, chokes one with its wonders, particularly gigantic wonders – tallest tower, highest summit, smartest phone, etc. There is a lot to take in and appreciate that we often lose the pleasure we once derived from a stranger’s smile or the lost dime we noticed by the traffic light as we waited patiently to cross the street. Inattentional blindness – it is not our choice anymore – to turn our eyes away from little things that have once given us pure joy – it is rather that our eyes, even when confronted by the most innocent and noteworthy of gestures and actions, cannot perceive them.

I set out to try to be fully attentive to little things around me: from words, pictures and things that required a 180 degree head turn or two feet bend-down, to situations that involved awkwardly taking photos of seemingly trivial objects in public. It was rather interesting, beautifully significant, and effortlessly thought-provoking all of that which managed to present itself to my consciousness.

1. Honest, beautiful, but repetitive remarks:

• Mom & Dad: “Girls, you get prettier by the day. And we’re not saying that just because you’re our children”. Me: “Mom, Dad – all parents say that to their children, and by that I mean: all parents say “we’re not saying you’re pretty just because you’re our children.”” But thank you. Just another laugh we’re to remember years down the road.

2. Societal consolations:

• When you’re ambitious, people say “dream big, you can do whatever you want in this life.” But when your dreams don’t come true and your hopes come crashing down, people say “well, you know, dreams die.”
• Life is ups and downs, when you’re up, you’re a sinless saint, when you’re down “everybody makes mistakes.” Maybe being straightforward or avoiding such things as white lies is what we hope for, but what we really need is consolation, even when it conveys the silliest and most contradictory of remarks.

3. At the mall:

• Looking at the mall map, trying to find direction to the bookstore, then someone from behind rudely exclaims “excuse me!” and pushes herself forwards to read the map – in my mind, “dude, can’t you freakin’ see that I’m using the damn thing?!” But no. I apologize politely and walk away, having barely satisfied my need of finding the store.
• You make your way out to the parking lot and see a huge box for book-donations, and you think “there’s still some good left in this world”.

4. At the counter:

• You’re 50 cents short of total payment in a supermarket, the cashier asks you to give up one of your groceries. You say goodbye to your favorite chocolate bar and move on in life. Yet, when the cashier owes you some coins and is desperately looking for change in the counter to give it to you, it makes you feel good to whole-heartedly say “it’s ok, keep the change”.
• Naïve – yet when your change contains the brightest, newly-made coin that is mirror-like in clarity, you put it on the shelf and decide to never spend it.

• Impatiently waiting to buy your stuff, and instead of looking at your phone pretending to be busy, you decided to notice the few toys and souvenirs  around. It reads “Microwaveable Hottie” and you think to yourself “Daf*q?”. But then you realize that, in reality, “Hot Hugs” are much needed, because the world has gone cold, and stuffed animals whose tummy can be microwaved are more humane than humans themselves.

Maybe waiting at the payment counter gives you the chance to think about the meaning of life.

• You’re out to buy a birthday present for a loved one when an expensive kitchen-tools’ shop catches your eyes. You enter to see the cute little baking utensils, and you look upwards to see the most magnificent and creatively-made chandelier you have ever seen, only to truly wonder “who thought of designing that?”

I don’t know about you, but thinking back to the events and people I encountered, and randomly checking the photos I took on my phone, instagraming them to give them that extra glow to shape a pleasant memory, is pleasurable. Writing this post is also pleasurable – a good exercise and an effort to understand the workings of my mind and the workings of the world. Even my typing in long, fragmented sentences involves the intention of making you think “she’s complicated.”

The headlines in the news, the fancy cars, and skyscrapers never cease to amaze me, but they have equally mastered the art of distracting me from the here and now – from the little things that truly give meaning to life, from the little observations that provoke thinking about the complexity of our world, our society, our failures, our successes, and our short-comings.

Boredom is an illusion – you cannot be bored. There are just so many things around waiting to be noticed and waiting to impact you in some way. Just over seventeen years on Earth, and it is only now that I made such realizations. Some are over 70, and still fail to integrate meaning into life.

It’s simple: look around, and pay attention.

Disconnected: My +80 hrs without Internet

I’ve been off the internet for around 87 hours: from May 21^st at 1:47 till May 24^th at 17:42.

I initially wanted to spend 72 hours offline, but as you can see, I was fine with a little more.

Why? I just really felt I needed a break. I was done with coursework earlier than expected, and with a heavier workload expected to kick off in a week, starting on May 27^th, I knew I was desperate for a recharge.

Part of the internet-prohibition program (or IPP) was concerned with examining how removing an essential element in my day-to-day life could change my behavior, thinking and daily activities (these will NOT be discussed here in full detail). It was also a test for self-control, which I’m proud to declare I’ve successfully passed.

Day 1 started at 10:00 a.m. The first thought that came to mind when I woke up was “oh! No internet today – what to do?” I got up, drank a glass of water and went down to the gym. Hold it – those of you who know me know that I don’t go to the gym! But, well, time was there and I had to kill it. I went for a swim afterwards. I was worn out by midday so I threw myself on the couch. I picked up The Big Miss by Hank Haney and decided I will finish reading it that day. It felt good to cross another book off my to-read list.

I listened to music, wrote a song, and made green tea by mistake. It seemed like an internet-free day changed how my taste buds function; I came to know that I actually like green tea now – I’ve NEVER liked green tea before.

Oh, I also cleaned up my computer, changed my desktop background, screensaver, and pointer.

Little things, I know. However, at the very beginning of the day, I began questioning whether any of my activities had anything to do with the internet: is this thing I’m eating connected to the internet? Is listening to music so? Will I break the rules if I did this and that? It was strange, but not too strange. I think it was just an indication of how fundamental the internet really is in my life. Pathetic.

The next day started off at a slower pace. I was a bit sick. I started reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wild. Internet-less, I used a dictionary to look up new definitions. I cannot even recall the last time I laid my hands on a dictionary. It must have been sitting on the self untouched for ages. I quoted beautiful phrases mentioned in the novel – many of which relate to my own thoughts. In retrospect, I was merely looking for self-confirmation – some sort of an outside source that simply agrees with what goes on inside my head, whether it’s right or wrong, ironically. I must admit, Oscar Wilde comforted me so deeply.

My nights were thought-free. My circadian rhythm was functioning perfectly. My mornings were peaceful. Disconnection gave me a pure sense of freedom from everything, even from the not-so-pleasant side of me.

I must confess though, when there were few things to do during my day, I felt I was missing the internet. I even dreamed I broke down and opened it. Not surprisingly, this happened by the end of the first 24 hours and the beginning of the following ones. My sister, lovely as she is, hammered me with questions like “giving up, yet?” Yes, I was put down for a little while but I got over it.

My ‘recently opened apps’ window was slightly too boring. Memo was frequently opened – I had no access to twitter and my thoughts needed to be written somewhere. The Music app was opened too many times as well – I must have listened to Let Her Go by Passenger at least 26 times.

Three days have passed. I woke up the next morning, the day I allowed myself to access the internet again. Strangely enough, I felt no urge whatsoever. I was slightly fearful of the things I might have missed during the last 72 hours – the e-mails I had to reply to, schedules I had to arrange.. etc. I went for a walk to get some fresh air and forget the world. It was such a beautiful day.

And by precisely 17:44…

What did I miss? Honestly, not much. Except for that one time we sat to dinner.. my sis and my parents were talking about something I hadn’t heard of because I was on IPP so … yeah.

What did I come to know?

1. I have much self-control.
2. I cannot stand not doing something.
3. I can finish a novel in two days.
4. I would marry Lord Henry.
5. I am too creative even when I am not thinking.
6. I sleep like a baby when I have nothing on my mind. I wake up early without having to set an alarm.
7. If you just want to chill and relax, internet should NOT be an option.
8. Internet is a want, not a need. You should be able to have a life without it.
9. I allow myself to get a sense of accomplishment by doing seemingly trivial things.

Okay! I know these are very definite conclusions for a relatively small and brief experiment. If I had the freedom, I would have done it for a lot longer. Perhaps I will, sometime in the future, when I am less bound by my studies and a little more free.

This break allowed me a glimpse of slow-life. Each minute of the day naturally felt like a minute long.

By the end of it, I was honestly stress-free, very cheerful and happy. I thought to myself… Life is wonderful.

Water: The Nietzschean Drink

I’m the kind of person who’s overly obsessed with her hour-to-hour, day-to-day, week-to-week psychological and emotional states. It is a rather subconscious obligation that I conform to, because, quite naturally, I do like to give a truthful answer when I ask myself “how are you today?” – I want to ‘be at’ or ‘be working towards’ the Feel Good state of being at all times.

It became a habit to take note of the kinds of snacks I eat throughout the day, whether be it ice-cream, chocolate, juice, potato chips – you name it. Most of them are high in sugar, true. Take chocolate, my used-to-be favourite bite: as most of you might know, chocolate consumption has been associated with the release of neurotransmitters including serotonin, endorphins and dopamine. These neurotransmitters activate specific neural circuits in the brain that are associated with mood regulation, feelings, motivation, pain.. etc. From personal observations, I noticed that I only really craved chocolate when I suffered decreased levels of these neurotransmitters. How do I know? Behaviour. I turned to chocolate when I felt slightly depressed, overwhelmed with workload, or simply when I wasn’t at a desired state of well-being.

That’s when I realised that I don’t intrinsically love chocolate, or chocolate ice-cream. They still do taste yummy to me, it’s just that I don’t find myself craving them as often anymore.

What happened?

It’s really simple. I couldn’t allow myself to rely on something extrinsic to solve my intrinsic problems. Personality? Perhaps. Life premise? Most probably. Whatever it is, I ain’t taking no shortcuts. My conscience said no – I said, as you please.

What I did was that, whenever I found myself swinging below my happiness set-point, I would retreat and introspect to detailed events of my day to figure out just what went wrong – and solve it. Sometimes, this is too simple. But at other times it’s like I seriously don’t know why I am feeling the way I am. Basically, the answer changed from ‘chocolate’ to ‘introspection’.

This week, our fridge had a couple of Lindor chocolate bars that I happened to pass by several times a day, and walk away from just as peacefully. I guess it became a habit –  resolving daily hassles from the core helped me realise that I had mistakenly fell in love with certain things.

Life without chocolate can be boring. Not! It might sound odd to reveal my new favourite snack, but yes I’m willing to taste a bit of embarrassment: water – in a fancy glass, with a straw. At times with ice cubes – well, that would be like icing on a cake. Needless to mention its having zero calories. It’s perfect.

Nietzsche believed that to anyone with the slightest interest in being happy, water always suffices. It’s amazing how you can derive genuine pleasure from simple, simple things.

On Happiness for No Reason

We all go through the common shower ritual of spending 98% of the time thinking about the meaning of life. Maybe our freedom is unlimited that each one of us defines life but objectively. Some do think that it is an absurd and empty question, and that we live the answer.

I haven’t found an absolute answer yet. However, happiness is major component of it.

Aristotle called happiness the goal of all goals. It’s what we’re truly after. It is the core aim and drive of everything we do.

Epicurus’ philosophy was concerned with the attainment of a happy, peaceful life, portraying a healthy dosage of friendship, freedom, and thought. He emphasized that these elements are just enough to make us genuinely satisfied. But then again,

Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.

Dismissing occasional greediness, this makes perfect sense to me. Once we have these needs met to the right degree, voilà! Happy person (?).

All the necessary and materialistic components aside, I would like to turn to something more intimate.

According to Marci Shimoff, real happiness is defined as an inner state of peace and well-being that isn’t dependent on circumstances.

I like to view happiness as something internal. Something intangible, yet concrete; a state of the soul, rather than the body. Something from the within that could manifest the without through a smile or an act of kindness.

Some days I wake up in a genuinely happy mood, wearing a Duchenne smile on my face all day. I think to myself, I am happy for no reason (dreams aside).

Many think that the reason for being truly happy is to have no reason.

But as obsessive as I am, I ironically ask “Why?” or “Where did this feeling come from?”

It’s not like I won the lottery.

But I do sense some sort of an inner voice inside of me that gently whispers “You’re ought to be authentically happy today.”

As insufficient an answer this may sound, the words of John Barrymore left me convinced.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.

Happiness for no reason could possibly be a bundle of positive actions and emotions residing at the back of our minds. It could be as simple as an act of compassion or a pleasant memory that, on one of those days, happened to come for a visit, uninvited.

Maybe, after all, there is a reason for being ‘happy for no reason’.

It’s just that we choose not to know that reason so we don’t ruin the ecstasy.