Little Things

Life, at times, chokes one with its wonders, particularly gigantic wonders – tallest tower, highest summit, smartest phone, etc. There is a lot to take in and appreciate that we often lose the pleasure we once derived from a stranger’s smile or the lost dime we noticed by the traffic light as we waited patiently to cross the street. Inattentional blindness – it is not our choice anymore – to turn our eyes away from little things that have once given us pure joy – it is rather that our eyes, even when confronted by the most innocent and noteworthy of gestures and actions, cannot perceive them.

I set out to try to be fully attentive to little things around me: from words, pictures and things that required a 180 degree head turn or two feet bend-down, to situations that involved awkwardly taking photos of seemingly trivial objects in public. It was rather interesting, beautifully significant, and effortlessly thought-provoking all of that which managed to present itself to my consciousness.

1. Honest, beautiful, but repetitive remarks:

• Mom & Dad: “Girls, you get prettier by the day. And we’re not saying that just because you’re our children”. Me: “Mom, Dad – all parents say that to their children, and by that I mean: all parents say “we’re not saying you’re pretty just because you’re our children.”” But thank you. Just another laugh we’re to remember years down the road.

2. Societal consolations:

• When you’re ambitious, people say “dream big, you can do whatever you want in this life.” But when your dreams don’t come true and your hopes come crashing down, people say “well, you know, dreams die.”
• Life is ups and downs, when you’re up, you’re a sinless saint, when you’re down “everybody makes mistakes.” Maybe being straightforward or avoiding such things as white lies is what we hope for, but what we really need is consolation, even when it conveys the silliest and most contradictory of remarks.

3. At the mall:

• Looking at the mall map, trying to find direction to the bookstore, then someone from behind rudely exclaims “excuse me!” and pushes herself forwards to read the map – in my mind, “dude, can’t you freakin’ see that I’m using the damn thing?!” But no. I apologize politely and walk away, having barely satisfied my need of finding the store.
• You make your way out to the parking lot and see a huge box for book-donations, and you think “there’s still some good left in this world”.

4. At the counter:

• You’re 50 cents short of total payment in a supermarket, the cashier asks you to give up one of your groceries. You say goodbye to your favorite chocolate bar and move on in life. Yet, when the cashier owes you some coins and is desperately looking for change in the counter to give it to you, it makes you feel good to whole-heartedly say “it’s ok, keep the change”.
• Naïve – yet when your change contains the brightest, newly-made coin that is mirror-like in clarity, you put it on the shelf and decide to never spend it.

• Impatiently waiting to buy your stuff, and instead of looking at your phone pretending to be busy, you decided to notice the few toys and souvenirs  around. It reads “Microwaveable Hottie” and you think to yourself “Daf*q?”. But then you realize that, in reality, “Hot Hugs” are much needed, because the world has gone cold, and stuffed animals whose tummy can be microwaved are more humane than humans themselves.

Maybe waiting at the payment counter gives you the chance to think about the meaning of life.

• You’re out to buy a birthday present for a loved one when an expensive kitchen-tools’ shop catches your eyes. You enter to see the cute little baking utensils, and you look upwards to see the most magnificent and creatively-made chandelier you have ever seen, only to truly wonder “who thought of designing that?”

I don’t know about you, but thinking back to the events and people I encountered, and randomly checking the photos I took on my phone, instagraming them to give them that extra glow to shape a pleasant memory, is pleasurable. Writing this post is also pleasurable – a good exercise and an effort to understand the workings of my mind and the workings of the world. Even my typing in long, fragmented sentences involves the intention of making you think “she’s complicated.”

The headlines in the news, the fancy cars, and skyscrapers never cease to amaze me, but they have equally mastered the art of distracting me from the here and now – from the little things that truly give meaning to life, from the little observations that provoke thinking about the complexity of our world, our society, our failures, our successes, and our short-comings.

Boredom is an illusion – you cannot be bored. There are just so many things around waiting to be noticed and waiting to impact you in some way. Just over seventeen years on Earth, and it is only now that I made such realizations. Some are over 70, and still fail to integrate meaning into life.

It’s simple: look around, and pay attention.

Much Egocentrism Behind Utopian Hopes

I tweeted the other day, “Much egocentrism behind Utopian hopes.” I don’t really know where I got these words from, but as I revisited them, I thought they beg for some explanation. And, keeping in mind the “Twitter code”, I thought I’d better do it here.

Let’s think about some “good” things we always wish are displayed in people’s behavior or adopted during social interactions. For example, you would like people to be honest and outspoken, to mean what they say and say what they mean. I think these examples are so subtle to be picked up by speech or body language (especially in the cases of those who have mastered them for the purpose of deceit). Being the good person you are, you display trust and honesty, and you mean every single word you say. You want to truly believe that others will reciprocate. You hope that you’re not “being played” or that others might be taking advantage of your goodness. You want to blindly believe that the world is good. But somehow you can’t. For some reason, probably risking too much or having been through a certain grave experience, you choose not to.

It’s a simple and sad truth. You can’t read minds nor know intentions. You cannot allow yourself to assume that other people might also have good will, relying on no substantial evidence and based solely on your damaged sixth-sense. In fact, not only that. You also believe that you’re the ONLY one with goodness, the only one who can be trusted, and the only one who won’t hurt others.

Relating back to my tweet: you are desperate for a better world, but you attribute the goodness only to yourself.

It makes sense. After all, thoughts cannot be touched or seen. You can only be sure of what goes on in your own mind, and the fact that you have one. Who knows? Others might be robots or zombies. But let’s face it, we choose to believe that they have minds like ours for ease of life, even though it’s merely an intuitive claim.

Maybe I should backspace a bit. Oh wait – I won’t. But I will thank philosophy class for, I don’t know… MAKING ME QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF OTHER MINDS!

Anyway, you see the picture. You’re a good person, you want good things, and you behave in good ways. But. Here comes the big BUT.. You don’t believe in others believing that you’re a good person, who wants good things, and who behaves in good ways. And you don’t believe that others are good people, who want good things, and who behave in good ways. But really why should you?

I don’t know. It strikes me. Each one of us has his or her own model of the universe. And, quoting Neale D. Walsch, “nobody does anything bad according to their model of the universe.” Chances are, if you take two models and compare them together, they are probably going to be oceans apart in difference. What is “good” in someone else’s model might have disastrous effects on your life. Actually it might kill you. (I recommend reading Walsch’s book Conversations with God for some examples and clearer explanation than what I could ever write). So what.to.do.?

Should you believe that people are good? As painful and disappointing as this answer might be, I think you should. You should, because you want to go out into the world with at least some faith that you’re going to be safe and happy. You should, because indeed there are people in your life who have done you good, and there’re only very few, if any, who have done you harm. You should, because what goes around comes back around: if you’re a good person, you should attract good experiences and good people. You should, because, if you believe you create your own life, you are responsible for it. You should, because you want to know how awesome it is for others to share your Utopian attitudes. You should, because you want the world to be a better place, don’t you?

Utopia is that which is in contradiction with reality

~ Albert Camus, Between Hell and Reason.

…from The Picture of Dorian Gray

Oscar Wilde’s only novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray, is by far the most fascinating novel I’ve ever read. I see it as a beautiful marriage of almost all elements of life. Here are some quotes that I believe convey pure, conflicting, and baffling thoughts.

On philosophy and psychology:

To be good is to be in harmony with oneself.

The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.

Real beauty ends when the intellectual expression begins.

Anything becomes a pleasure if one does it too often.

I never approve or disapprove of anything now. It is an absurd attitude to take towards life. We are not sent into the world to air our moral prejudices.

We live in an age that reads too much to be wise, and thinks too much to be beautiful.

Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.

He felt keenly conscious of how barren all intellectual speculation is when separated from action and experiment. He knew that the senses, no less than the soul, have their spiritual mysteries to reveal.

Knowledge would be fatal. It is uncertainty that charms one. A mist makes things wonderful.

Experience was of no ethical value. It was merely the name men gave to their mistakes.

When the passion for sin, or for what the world calls sin, so dominates  nature, every fibre of the body, as every cell of the brain, seems to be instinct with fearful impulses. Men and women at such moments lose the freedom of their will. They move to their terrible end as automatons move. Choice is taken from them, and conscience is either killed, or, if it lives at all, lives but to give rebellion its fascination and disobedience its charm.

Sin is the only real colour element left in modern life.

On life and the self:

The aim of life is self-development. To realize one’s nature perfectly – that is what each of us is here for.

There is luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel that no one else has a right to blame us.

[Hedonism’s aim] is to teach man to concentrate on himself upon the moments of a life that is itself but a moment.

[People] have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one owes to oneself.

To get back one’s youth, one has merely to repeat one’s follies.

Human life – [… is] the one thing worth investigating. Compared to it, there was nothing of any value.

He wanted to be where no one would know who he was. He wanted to escape from himself.

Each man lived his own life, and paid his own price for living it. The only pity was that one had to pay so often for a single fault.

To influence a person is to give him one’s own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural desires. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.

On love and marriage:

I don’t think I am likely to marry, I am too much in love.

To see him is to worship him, to know him is to trust him.

The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people.

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

The real drawback to marriage is that it makes one unselfish. And unselfish people are colourless. They lack individuality.

Women defend themselves by attacking, just as they attack by sudden and strange surrenders.

Whatever [women] ask for they had first given to us. They create love in our natures. They have the right to demand it back.

Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect – simply a confession of failure.

When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls Romance.

Perhaps one should never put one’s worship into words.

On people:

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good character, and my enemies for their good intellects.

Nowadays people know the price of everything, and the value of nothing.

In art, as in politics, les grandpères ont toujours tort.

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.

There are only two kinds of people in the world who are really fascinating – people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

People are very fond of giving away what they need most themselves. It is what I call the depth of generosity.

Other:

You must not think I don’t like good music. I adore it, but I’m afraid of it. It makes me too romantic.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray, and the advantage of Science is that it is not emotional.

I can sympathise with everything, except suffering.

The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Defying The Law of Attraction: For as Long as You Are, I am

We no longer live in a small town, where people can either be family, friends, foes, or simply strangers. I’m not exactly a social butterfly, but I do find myself caring about the kinds of relationships I develop with people, and it’s not often in black and white. In fact, it’s fuzzy and mysterious – often accompanied by a ‘Woah!’ reaction. Below, I attempted to roughly sketch the sorts of relationships we go through.  

In the lives of each one of us, there are:

1. People that are present by necessity:

• People that are present by necessity whom we love.

• People that are present by necessity whom we don’t like.

• People that are present by necessity and have gradually become unnecessary.

2. People that are present by chance:

• People that are present by chance, and we gradually grow to like them.

• People that are present by chance, and we gradually grow to love them.

• People that are present by chance, and we gradually grow to unlike them.

• People that are present by chance, and we constantly think of ways to get rid of them.

3. People that have come to exist independent of the law of attraction:

• People whose sole existence brings us happiness, even though we have nothing to do with them – or stopped having anything to do with them, or will never have anything to do with them.

• People whose sole existence brings us misery, even though we have nothing to do with them – or stopped having anything to do with them, or will never have anything to do with them.

It is peculiar. Human relationships, from my point of view, are much more complicated than meets the eye.

It is intuitively clear to be able to assign people who belong to the necessity and chance categories to relevant sub-sections. However, it becomes blurry and often surprising when we look at those present independent of the law of attraction.

I look at this category as hosting the elite (or worst) people in our lives. And its nature is extremely dynamic, in the sense that anyone in the necessity or chance categories can advance (or regress)  to the independent of the law of attraction category – or for short, mere existence category.

Category 3.a: I might be talking about those heavenly bodies with auras surrounding them. Those people that we can’t help but smile when we see their face or their name. Those who possess a genuinely beautiful soul that can’t help but burst right through their bodies. Those whose mere existence fills us with a sense of serenity.

Category 3.b: We may know nothing about them. But intuitively, we’re better off away from them. And if they happen to pass by, fear cripples into us accompanied by feeling of uneasiness. Those whose mere existence makes us miserable.

The truth is, the existence of people in category 3 is rather beyond human explanation or reason. As unfulfilling and doubtful as it may sound, we might have encountered those people in past life and have learned that their souls are exactly what we’re longing for (or not).

Regardless. To those who fill our lives with inner peace…

It isn’t for want
of something to say—
something to tell you—

something you should know—
but to detain you–
keep you from going—

feeling myself here
as long as you are—
as long as you are.

~ Cid Coreman

Trustworthy until proven… not?

They ask why it is so hard for me to trust people, I ask why it is so hard to keep a promise. – Unknown.

What is trust? You could go look up the formal definition because I won’t dwell on it. Instead, I’ll get straight to the point:

Trust is a downright irrational act of exposing your vulnerabilities to someone while praying day and night they won’t take advantage of you. Put family and close friends aside. I’m talking about people in general, and possibly lovers (to whom you truly surrender.)

Surprisingly, in such a materialistic, heartless world, you could still find trust. But often going down the drain.

And no, I’m not talking out of experience. Mere observations.

It is said that trust can be not only emotional, but also logical. That is, a logical act of assessing gain and loss and concluding that the person in question of trustworthiness will behave in a predictable manner.

But what is predictable anymore?

In fact, if we were logical when we trust, we would find no reason to trust.

Trust is a belief. It is groundless, unwarranted. It lasts for as long as the wave won’t sweep the sand. And when it comes to love, you don’t go bringing up your calculator. You put on a blindfold and fall in. Period.

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”  ― George MacDonald

Maybe we should rethink love?

Anyway,

According to Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Trusting requires to:

1) be vulnerable to others (vulnerable to betrayal in particular);

2) think well of others, at least in certain domains, and;

3) be optimistic that they are, or at least will be, competent in certain respects.

Easy. Moi. Duh.

I don’t have trust-issues. However, my reasons when it comes to trust are neither rational nor justified, but they work – often. No, I was never seriously disappointed or betrayed as far as my memory could stretch back in time. But watching others go through that made me think about the nature of trust:

Do we try to be the person with the good-nature and form positive assumptions about anyone so long as they don’t give us a reason not to? In other words, do we trust blindly just because the person never behaved in a way contrary to our expectations?

Or,

Do we not trust someone until they earn our trust?

But doesn’t the very act of earning someone’s trust require the soon-to-be trustor to allow a little room for uncertainty and potential for betrayal? Otherwise how could he or she test the trustee’s trustworthiness?

Last, but not least, how can we ever be so sure?

Do we rely on intuition to trust or not trust someone? Is that justified and fair to the other person?

Trust is like a hypothesis that cannot be tested for its wrongness until, well, betrayed.

Then again, we call helplessly for the power of mind-reading or intention-knowing. But they aren’t there, so we take chances as Ernest Hemingway advises us to,

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

Again, mindless notes in case you haven’t noticed.