Little Things

Life, at times, chokes one with its wonders, particularly gigantic wonders – tallest tower, highest summit, smartest phone, etc. There is a lot to take in and appreciate that we often lose the pleasure we once derived from a stranger’s smile or the lost dime we noticed by the traffic light as we waited patiently to cross the street. Inattentional blindness – it is not our choice anymore – to turn our eyes away from little things that have once given us pure joy – it is rather that our eyes, even when confronted by the most innocent and noteworthy of gestures and actions, cannot perceive them.

I set out to try to be fully attentive to little things around me: from words, pictures and things that required a 180 degree head turn or two feet bend-down, to situations that involved awkwardly taking photos of seemingly trivial objects in public. It was rather interesting, beautifully significant, and effortlessly thought-provoking all of that which managed to present itself to my consciousness.

1. Honest, beautiful, but repetitive remarks:

• Mom & Dad: “Girls, you get prettier by the day. And we’re not saying that just because you’re our children”. Me: “Mom, Dad – all parents say that to their children, and by that I mean: all parents say “we’re not saying you’re pretty just because you’re our children.”” But thank you. Just another laugh we’re to remember years down the road.

2. Societal consolations:

• When you’re ambitious, people say “dream big, you can do whatever you want in this life.” But when your dreams don’t come true and your hopes come crashing down, people say “well, you know, dreams die.”
• Life is ups and downs, when you’re up, you’re a sinless saint, when you’re down “everybody makes mistakes.” Maybe being straightforward or avoiding such things as white lies is what we hope for, but what we really need is consolation, even when it conveys the silliest and most contradictory of remarks.

3. At the mall:

• Looking at the mall map, trying to find direction to the bookstore, then someone from behind rudely exclaims “excuse me!” and pushes herself forwards to read the map – in my mind, “dude, can’t you freakin’ see that I’m using the damn thing?!” But no. I apologize politely and walk away, having barely satisfied my need of finding the store.
• You make your way out to the parking lot and see a huge box for book-donations, and you think “there’s still some good left in this world”.

4. At the counter:

• You’re 50 cents short of total payment in a supermarket, the cashier asks you to give up one of your groceries. You say goodbye to your favorite chocolate bar and move on in life. Yet, when the cashier owes you some coins and is desperately looking for change in the counter to give it to you, it makes you feel good to whole-heartedly say “it’s ok, keep the change”.
• Naïve – yet when your change contains the brightest, newly-made coin that is mirror-like in clarity, you put it on the shelf and decide to never spend it.

• Impatiently waiting to buy your stuff, and instead of looking at your phone pretending to be busy, you decided to notice the few toys and souvenirs  around. It reads “Microwaveable Hottie” and you think to yourself “Daf*q?”. But then you realize that, in reality, “Hot Hugs” are much needed, because the world has gone cold, and stuffed animals whose tummy can be microwaved are more humane than humans themselves.

Maybe waiting at the payment counter gives you the chance to think about the meaning of life.

• You’re out to buy a birthday present for a loved one when an expensive kitchen-tools’ shop catches your eyes. You enter to see the cute little baking utensils, and you look upwards to see the most magnificent and creatively-made chandelier you have ever seen, only to truly wonder “who thought of designing that?”

I don’t know about you, but thinking back to the events and people I encountered, and randomly checking the photos I took on my phone, instagraming them to give them that extra glow to shape a pleasant memory, is pleasurable. Writing this post is also pleasurable – a good exercise and an effort to understand the workings of my mind and the workings of the world. Even my typing in long, fragmented sentences involves the intention of making you think “she’s complicated.”

The headlines in the news, the fancy cars, and skyscrapers never cease to amaze me, but they have equally mastered the art of distracting me from the here and now – from the little things that truly give meaning to life, from the little observations that provoke thinking about the complexity of our world, our society, our failures, our successes, and our short-comings.

Boredom is an illusion – you cannot be bored. There are just so many things around waiting to be noticed and waiting to impact you in some way. Just over seventeen years on Earth, and it is only now that I made such realizations. Some are over 70, and still fail to integrate meaning into life.

It’s simple: look around, and pay attention.

Unconditional love is limited

Intended paradox in the title.

Ignorant of whether it is my realism or my new-found tendency to be theoretically pessimistic, but I believe unconditional love is either destructive or non-existent in the context of romantic relationships.

According to Wikipedia, the resource all academics urge us to avoid, unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations; it is that kind of love which has no bounds and is unchanging. It is important to distinguish between conditional and unconditional love. In conditional love, you are constantly fighting to earn someone’s love; in unconditional love, love is given freely – free of rules and regulations, terms and conditions.

Unconditional love means accepting the person as they are, and not wishing them to be anything else but that. It is surrealistic. It is perfection. The attainment of the highest forms of love. Platonic. The problem is that it does not stand the test of imagination. It is beyond the capacity of our minds.

I’m aware that many readers might disagree with me. I hate to break it to you, but I think unconditional love can only manifest itself in more or less two forms: maternal love and self-love – romantic love excluded.

A mother’s love for her child is arguably unconditional and eternal. The mother demands nothing from her child; a mother’s unconditional love pours for the mere fact that the child exists. There is no give and take relationship. In the first few years of life, in particular, only the mother can give, and she asks for nothing in return. Maternal love is selfless; a mother never asks what is in it for her, but what is in it for her child. This might also apply to parental love in general, but maternal love in particular has made a stronger case over the course of history.

Self-love is another form of pure love. It does not mean overlooking one’s flaws and short-comings, or loving oneself despite committing the ugliest of actions. It is about knowing that you owe yourself goodness. It is about knowing that eventually, it is only you who will be standing by your side. It is about knowing that your creation has a purpose and that you are ought to honor that purpose. Loving oneself is not about being arrogant or self-centered. It is about caring for oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself.

Think again about your capacity to love someone “romantically” unconditionally. That person standing right in front of you has imperfections. Accepting and dealing with someone else’s short-comings is one thing, but not wishing for those imperfections to just disappear is a mastered form of self-denial. Here’s why.

I think loving someone is about bringing out the best in them. Loving someone is about being a positive influence on them. It is about making them a better person. If you are being the provider of unconditional love, by definition, you must have mastered the skill of blinding yourself from every little gesture you do not like, from every act of carelessness the other person might display, and from any form of pain you might get. Absolutely no conditions. The very idea of not being okay with everything that person did, does, and might do means that you do not love them unconditionally. The very idea of wishing that that person fixes a tiny flaw, or a bad habit, means that you do not love them unconditionally – again, by definition.

In fact, when care appears, unconditional love often vanishes.

Martha Beck

Love in romantic relationships must be an action, not just an emotion. It must be something you are constantly striving to earn, and working hard to sustain. Both partners strive to bring out the best in themselves and complete one another. Unconditional love is a myth. An unlimited supply of anything is appreciated less. Think about money. If money never runs out, you are likely to appreciate it less. You will use it foolishly because there are no consequences or limits. You will respect it less.

The logic behind unconditional love is not only faulty, but also destructive. You are limiting the person you unconditionally love from growing and developing into their best self. Your inaction, i.e. not providing them with guidance and constructive criticism, takes its toll on both yourself and your loved one. Unintentionally, you are actually encouraging that person to stay the same, with all good and bad deeds. You’re undermining their capacity to be good and achieve their goals.

Now, of course, according to wikiHow, everything I said is utter nonsense; you can learn to love unconditionally following 6 easy steps.

But do me a favor and ask yourself, “what if nothing changes?” and “what if things got worse?” – you’re abusing yourself if you think you can still love unconditionally if things got worse, or never got better.

The only constant thing in life is change. Unconditional love in its purest form and divinity cannot exist in this world simply because it defies nature.

I have seen unconditional love. It ain’t pretty. It often goes awry, and some lives burn to smithereens. Don’t aspire to be something you cannot be. Unconditional love is just a fantasy that cannot break down the bounds of reality.

Throughout this post, I have concentrated on the literal, strong definition of the word “unconditional”. I have seen awful too many people use this term carelessly and pretend to be doing something good. Much of the outcomes are devastating and cause mental and physical draining. Loving someone unconditionally is not something to be proud of. We are way beyond using outlandish definitions to treat ourselves into Utopia. People, please stop sugarcoating and do the work. True, genuine love exists. It is just that it follows a different criteria, and without a doubt, one that is different from that of unconditional love.

Keep in mind that this post focused on unconditional love in romantic relationships. Altruistic behavior carries with it a form of unconditional love. But then again, further definitions and divisions are beyond the scope of this article.

For those interested, Should Love Be Unconditional? is an insightful piece. It moderates various concepts of unconditional love, and in some way, further illustrates my attack.

Living in black, white… or shades of grey?

Funny someone once threw words at me, asking me to act “naturally” and not make a big deal out of living. Two words, dude: define natural.

–

I’m still in the process of putting together a worldview and a philosophy of life. I don’t recall when I decided to embark on this journey, but I have come to know that it is an essential stage in the course of development.

For some reason, some people tend to use that squishy thing trapped inside the skull, others tend to put it aside and do some experimenting, and still others switch it on and off as they please. People are oceans apart when it comes to how to live, but they all have one thing in common (I hope), and that is to answer one little, yet fundamental question “Who am I?”.

We have three types of people, broadly speaking.

Well, what is the normal way to go about life’s journey? That’s an easy question. Do what everybody else does! If most people around you use their brain and act rationally, then that’s the norm. If people tend to experiment and try things out to see what works for them, then that’s another norm. And finally, if people tend to use their brain at times, and try things out at other times.. then, you guessed it, that’s another normal way to live.  

So basically, the definition of the normality of a human life, in this context, is the extent to which he or she fit into and adopt environmental or social conventions.

If we take it up a notch, we might inquire about the nature of the human being, or the natural way to live. And that’s when it gets tricky. The so-far-attained truth is that nobody knows! There’s no answer yet. Knowing the nature of the human being is the very motive of “knowledge.” This simple inquiry is what originates humanities and social sciences, and much, if not all, of the problematic philosophical debates. Is the human being a thinking thing? Or a rational animal as Aristotle suggested?

Do we have absolute control over our lives? Do our experiences shape our lives? Or do we shape our experiences?

Are we merely realizing our capacities? Are we blank slates? Or a little bit of both, a part characterized by innate dispositions, and another part in need of experience to be activated at all?

Black, white, or shades of grey?

I think the picture is starting to expose its three dimensions. But as I mentioned earlier, there is no right or wrong answer. And it’s even possible that these are not the only routes to go about living.

It’s really up to you. There’s only the answer you formulate. Consider the following questions:

How do you view yourself now? How do you like to view yourself in the future, looking back? How do you like to think about the nature of the human being? How do you like everybody to behave or think? What is your ideal? Does your definition of the ideal contradict your reality? Can you enact your own definition to what’s left of your life? Or would you passively confirm to the external, cozy norm? Are you likely to think of your actions as experiences? As choices? Or a matter of contingency or self-serving bias: as experiences when they turn to mistakes, and as choices when they turn to success?

How you answer those questions should give you an insight on your current philosophy. You could choose to reflect and change. Perhaps you’ve been too rigid and rational, too passive and inactive, or swayed too heavily by what comes in your way (i.e. easily impressionable, or going with the flow). 

Remember: make a choice, commit to it, and act on it.   

Here’s a snapshot to my own view and ideal:

I’m now certainly neither white nor grey. To elaborate on that, as a child I might not have had the choice to be black, so I did use to be white, and needed to experience many shades of grey up to a certain stage in the course of my development. But I have come to a point where I believe a decision can and is ought to be made.

So yeah, I like it black. I find the idea of a “thinking thing” very attractive and I’d like to think of myself as one. No I’m not a passive recipient of external stimuli, and neither do I need experience to realize what’s right or wrong. It’s all up there. That squishy thing between my ears, inside my skull is what creates this life I’m living and what is responsible for my choices and their consequences. Sophrosyne (reason, self-control, moderation, and self-awareness), to me, characterizes the very essence of a human being.. so why not at least try to fulfill this prophecy during my lifetime?

Again, I wouldn’t know if this is natural or not. But one has got to start somewhere, even if it’s from a mere belief or ideal, and work towards fulfilling it. I guess.

Flux

The very nature of life is flux. To resist change is to resist the very essence of our existence.

Much Egocentrism Behind Utopian Hopes

I tweeted the other day, “Much egocentrism behind Utopian hopes.” I don’t really know where I got these words from, but as I revisited them, I thought they beg for some explanation. And, keeping in mind the “Twitter code”, I thought I’d better do it here.

Let’s think about some “good” things we always wish are displayed in people’s behavior or adopted during social interactions. For example, you would like people to be honest and outspoken, to mean what they say and say what they mean. I think these examples are so subtle to be picked up by speech or body language (especially in the cases of those who have mastered them for the purpose of deceit). Being the good person you are, you display trust and honesty, and you mean every single word you say. You want to truly believe that others will reciprocate. You hope that you’re not “being played” or that others might be taking advantage of your goodness. You want to blindly believe that the world is good. But somehow you can’t. For some reason, probably risking too much or having been through a certain grave experience, you choose not to.

It’s a simple and sad truth. You can’t read minds nor know intentions. You cannot allow yourself to assume that other people might also have good will, relying on no substantial evidence and based solely on your damaged sixth-sense. In fact, not only that. You also believe that you’re the ONLY one with goodness, the only one who can be trusted, and the only one who won’t hurt others.

Relating back to my tweet: you are desperate for a better world, but you attribute the goodness only to yourself.

It makes sense. After all, thoughts cannot be touched or seen. You can only be sure of what goes on in your own mind, and the fact that you have one. Who knows? Others might be robots or zombies. But let’s face it, we choose to believe that they have minds like ours for ease of life, even though it’s merely an intuitive claim.

Maybe I should backspace a bit. Oh wait – I won’t. But I will thank philosophy class for, I don’t know… MAKING ME QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF OTHER MINDS!

Anyway, you see the picture. You’re a good person, you want good things, and you behave in good ways. But. Here comes the big BUT.. You don’t believe in others believing that you’re a good person, who wants good things, and who behaves in good ways. And you don’t believe that others are good people, who want good things, and who behave in good ways. But really why should you?

I don’t know. It strikes me. Each one of us has his or her own model of the universe. And, quoting Neale D. Walsch, “nobody does anything bad according to their model of the universe.” Chances are, if you take two models and compare them together, they are probably going to be oceans apart in difference. What is “good” in someone else’s model might have disastrous effects on your life. Actually it might kill you. (I recommend reading Walsch’s book Conversations with God for some examples and clearer explanation than what I could ever write). So what.to.do.?

Should you believe that people are good? As painful and disappointing as this answer might be, I think you should. You should, because you want to go out into the world with at least some faith that you’re going to be safe and happy. You should, because indeed there are people in your life who have done you good, and there’re only very few, if any, who have done you harm. You should, because what goes around comes back around: if you’re a good person, you should attract good experiences and good people. You should, because, if you believe you create your own life, you are responsible for it. You should, because you want to know how awesome it is for others to share your Utopian attitudes. You should, because you want the world to be a better place, don’t you?

Utopia is that which is in contradiction with reality

~ Albert Camus, Between Hell and Reason.

Truth

Ridiculous,

My meaning of life is only

To be compatible with myself – inside out.

They laugh, “aren’t you supposed to change the world?”

I don’t blame them.

I say “I have my ways – don’t push me.”

I don’t want to be disappointed.

I’m not going to attempt something that is bound to fail

Or least, cannot be during my time on Earth.

So leave me alone.

I want to master something,

No matter how selfish this might sound,

I dedicate my life to understanding the origin,

The cause, the reason that the world hasn’t yet changed

The reason the world is a mess,

Even though everybody is madly trying.

So you go ahead,

No matter how hard you scratch the surface,

You will never go deep enough to get a glimpse

Of the truth.

But I will.

Contradictions

Contradictions make me itchy.

They’re a sign of immaturity,

Perhaps I shouldn’t rush it.

But I look at those who’re supposed to be

Wiser than I am,

And the sad reality is that

They say one thing, and do another.

I keep reminding myself,

“Beware, don’t be like them.”

In a fight

I cannot move forward,

I am too busy shielding myself,

Protection.

I admit that I am trying to enjoy

A chaotic journey.

Will I ever have everything?

And how much am I willing to sacrifice?

Can I just let go?

The price is high no matter which road I decide to take.

But for now,

I confess that I not mature enough to go down that road.

My conscience does not allow me

To make avoidable mistakes.

So forgive me.

Forgive my little contradictions, just for now.

Forgive my inability to follow-through.

Forgive my working against my desires.

I will call you when I have things figured out.

Life Principles One Should Take for Granted

I can’t remember the last time I picked up a ‘reading-for-pleasure’ book in Arabic. The truth is, I only happened to pass by my parent’s bookshelf because I had read all the books that were in mine. I picked up a translated copy of Love Your Illness by Dr. Valerij Sinelnikov, which radically reminded of things I have forgotten. Things I had rather abandoned in the face of evidence, facts and figures. It sounds trivial, but I hope my explanation would erase this thought from your mind.

Those things, by the way, were principles.

They are rather natural, intrinsic principles. In no way they were acquired – they were only realized, ditched, and realized again.

1. I, it is me who creates my life and the world that surrounds me. I create my own world, with my thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Consequently, my body, my soul, health, relationships with family, friends and strangers – all are nothing but a reflection of my thoughts, intentions, and emotions. The without mirrors the within. So long as I construct my world, I can change it – I can change myself. 
2. Life is fair. One’s actions start not with words or behavior, but with thoughts, feelings and intentions. The thought is a form of energy that translates itself to the material world. If life sounds unfair to you in any way, introspect – look into yourself, and not at the outside world or other circumstances. Whatever it is the thought we think will rebound – it will bounce back to our life either negatively or positively. Similar things attract. A negative thought will create frustrating circumstances or illnesses. A positive thought will create love and kindness – and all sorts of helpful circumstances. You and I decide on the nature of our thoughts. They are absolutely under control.
3. There is a clear difference between the real world and the map we create of it (our perception). The subconscious mind creates a map of reality, using the knowledge and energy surrounding us, and presents it to our conscious mind. In other words, our conscious mind plays the role of a supervisor or evaluator of events and circumstances created by our subconscious mind. World-maps differ between one person and another. Thus, everyone literally lives in their own world. Our world-map is in tune with our subconscious workings of the mind, which are in constant creation since childhood – and that is how the outside is essentially a reflection of the inside.
4. Everyone is responsible for his own world. This is the responsibility law – a focal point of transition towards self-understanding and development. Watch all that goes on in your life. Consider every experience you’ve been through a wonderful life lesson. For instance, if a situation triggers certain emotional responses in you, look into yourself – they are there in your subconscious mind. Look for the positive lesson that you take from this experience. Everything that happens in our life has been caused by our thoughts – thoughts attract matching experiences; remember: similar things attract. Likewise, if you don’t like a particular trait in others, this trait is certainly already in you. Get rid of the desire to change the world or the people around you. Accept everything as it is – accept others for who they are. It is only when you change that others do. When you take responsibility for your own life, you are free to choose your thoughts and feelings.
5. The law of Perfection. A human being is but a part of this universe, and so he is constantly aspiring towards perfection. No living creature is perfect, because it is part of the whole. Thus, he unconsciously, and throughout his life-journey, aspires to be perfect – aspires towards the whole. That is the one thing that is in common among all living creatures. Everyone with their journey towards perfection – spiritually at-ease. The human is anxious for being away from home – away from his origin. The search for happiness, pleasure, and money are but unconscious ways to sense belongingness to the whole – to attain perfection.
6. The law of Optimistic Goal. It is of absolute importance to realize that our subconscious mind always aims at optimistic goals. I deeply believe that every person possesses extreme levels of complexity, and so nothing that ever happens to him is an accident or “by chance”. Everything happens for a reason. The purpose of any action is positive and good. Nobody does something wrong according to his model of the universe. There cannot be a negative aim, because, quite simply, there aren’t negative life experiences. There are only experiences and consequences. Negation exists only in our language. We never know what we want, we only know what we don’t want.
7. Your subconscious mind stores every single detail of events in your world. And that is one explanation for dreams, predictions, telepathy – things that are inexplicable in materialistic terms.
8. People create their own illnesses, and thus, they, and only they, are capable of ridding themselves of the illness by ridding themselves of its causes. The causes have accumulated inside of them, not in the outside world. Because of:
   1. Failing to understand and realize the aim and meaning of life.
   2. Failing to comprehend universal and natural laws and abide by them.
   3. The existence of negative and destructive thoughts and feelings in your conscious and subconscious mind.

Illness is a sign of imbalance and lack of harmony in the world. Hence, love your illness and accept it. Illness, of any kind, outwardly mirrors murderous thoughts, desires, intentions and perceptions. It is, in fact, a form of protection – relative to the subconscious mind – from our destructive thoughts. To heal your illness, you need to change your perceptions and thinking. People perceive illness as an enemy, but fighting illness is a form of fighting the self. When you accept your illness, you accept yourself. You use the energy, in whatever form, in a positive and creative way. Illness is a form of energy – use it to understand yourself and the world around you.

I haven’t done this post justice, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

One more thing, I don’t think principles should adhere to the laws of physics.

I imagine most of you will at least agree with one thing: we create ourselves – free will. Doesn’t it follow, then, that we can do/change/create/destroy anything?

These thoughts are comforting. I believe they feed the ego. What feels better than sensing that we’re in control?

You Can’t Give What You Don’t Have. Simple.

On Happiness for No Reason

We all go through the common shower ritual of spending 98% of the time thinking about the meaning of life. Maybe our freedom is unlimited that each one of us defines life but objectively. Some do think that it is an absurd and empty question, and that we live the answer.

I haven’t found an absolute answer yet. However, happiness is major component of it.

Aristotle called happiness the goal of all goals. It’s what we’re truly after. It is the core aim and drive of everything we do.

Epicurus’ philosophy was concerned with the attainment of a happy, peaceful life, portraying a healthy dosage of friendship, freedom, and thought. He emphasized that these elements are just enough to make us genuinely satisfied. But then again,

Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.

Dismissing occasional greediness, this makes perfect sense to me. Once we have these needs met to the right degree, voilà! Happy person (?).

All the necessary and materialistic components aside, I would like to turn to something more intimate.

According to Marci Shimoff, real happiness is defined as an inner state of peace and well-being that isn’t dependent on circumstances.

I like to view happiness as something internal. Something intangible, yet concrete; a state of the soul, rather than the body. Something from the within that could manifest the without through a smile or an act of kindness.

Some days I wake up in a genuinely happy mood, wearing a Duchenne smile on my face all day. I think to myself, I am happy for no reason (dreams aside).

Many think that the reason for being truly happy is to have no reason.

But as obsessive as I am, I ironically ask “Why?” or “Where did this feeling come from?”

It’s not like I won the lottery.

But I do sense some sort of an inner voice inside of me that gently whispers “You’re ought to be authentically happy today.”

As insufficient an answer this may sound, the words of John Barrymore left me convinced.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.

Happiness for no reason could possibly be a bundle of positive actions and emotions residing at the back of our minds. It could be as simple as an act of compassion or a pleasant memory that, on one of those days, happened to come for a visit, uninvited.

Maybe, after all, there is a reason for being ‘happy for no reason’.

It’s just that we choose not to know that reason so we don’t ruin the ecstasy.