Much Egocentrism Behind Utopian Hopes

I tweeted the other day, “Much egocentrism behind Utopian hopes.” I don’t really know where I got these words from, but as I revisited them, I thought they beg for some explanation. And, keeping in mind the “Twitter code”, I thought I’d better do it here.

Let’s think about some “good” things we always wish are displayed in people’s behavior or adopted during social interactions. For example, you would like people to be honest and outspoken, to mean what they say and say what they mean. I think these examples are so subtle to be picked up by speech or body language (especially in the cases of those who have mastered them for the purpose of deceit). Being the good person you are, you display trust and honesty, and you mean every single word you say. You want to truly believe that others will reciprocate. You hope that you’re not “being played” or that others might be taking advantage of your goodness. You want to blindly believe that the world is good. But somehow you can’t. For some reason, probably risking too much or having been through a certain grave experience, you choose not to.

It’s a simple and sad truth. You can’t read minds nor know intentions. You cannot allow yourself to assume that other people might also have good will, relying on no substantial evidence and based solely on your damaged sixth-sense. In fact, not only that. You also believe that you’re the ONLY one with goodness, the only one who can be trusted, and the only one who won’t hurt others.

Relating back to my tweet: you are desperate for a better world, but you attribute the goodness only to yourself.

It makes sense. After all, thoughts cannot be touched or seen. You can only be sure of what goes on in your own mind, and the fact that you have one. Who knows? Others might be robots or zombies. But let’s face it, we choose to believe that they have minds like ours for ease of life, even though it’s merely an intuitive claim.

Maybe I should backspace a bit. Oh wait – I won’t. But I will thank philosophy class for, I don’t know… MAKING ME QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF OTHER MINDS!

Anyway, you see the picture. You’re a good person, you want good things, and you behave in good ways. But. Here comes the big BUT.. You don’t believe in others believing that you’re a good person, who wants good things, and who behaves in good ways. And you don’t believe that others are good people, who want good things, and who behave in good ways. But really why should you?

I don’t know. It strikes me. Each one of us has his or her own model of the universe. And, quoting Neale D. Walsch, “nobody does anything bad according to their model of the universe.” Chances are, if you take two models and compare them together, they are probably going to be oceans apart in difference. What is “good” in someone else’s model might have disastrous effects on your life. Actually it might kill you. (I recommend reading Walsch’s book Conversations with God for some examples and clearer explanation than what I could ever write). So what.to.do.?

Should you believe that people are good? As painful and disappointing as this answer might be, I think you should. You should, because you want to go out into the world with at least some faith that you’re going to be safe and happy. You should, because indeed there are people in your life who have done you good, and there’re only very few, if any, who have done you harm. You should, because what goes around comes back around: if you’re a good person, you should attract good experiences and good people. You should, because, if you believe you create your own life, you are responsible for it. You should, because you want to know how awesome it is for others to share your Utopian attitudes. You should, because you want the world to be a better place, don’t you?

Utopia is that which is in contradiction with reality

~ Albert Camus, Between Hell and Reason.

Purpose

Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve.

~ Erich Fromm

Sono Fuori di Testa.

I just learned that it’s all normal. But that doesn’t make it okay. Well, it might make it expected, allowed, or tolerated. But certainly not comfortable. If I shout out loud, right now, “You were right, I take myself too friggin’ seriously,” I won’t be surprised by your looks that quietly whisper “Oh, shocker!”

No, dude. You don’t understand.

There’s something inside my brain, somewhere. I assume it’s just not functioning properly. It’s broken. I just cannot stop the stream of thoughts that’s only sucking life out of every fiber of my being. It’s just sad.

I can’t feel sorry for myself. I know what I’m looking for, but somehow it seems too far out of reach – for now.

Acceptance. And no, not from people. Please.

Self-acceptance. It’s harder to attain than anything else. I think. And needless to say, I haven’t attained it yet.

I need to make mistakes and be okay with it.

I want to live and not think too hard about it.

Life, to me, is about balance. But the very act of balancing involves going through much imbalance by nature.

Man, it’s hard.

Many have arrived smoothly and peacefully to this stage I like to call “letting go”. But no, I wanted to play for a little while with shit. Stubborn as I am. Paying the price. Learning, if that’s what you want to call it.

I’m fine.

But I don’t feel I’m doing the right thing.

Truth

Ridiculous,

My meaning of life is only

To be compatible with myself – inside out.

They laugh, “aren’t you supposed to change the world?”

I don’t blame them.

I say “I have my ways – don’t push me.”

I don’t want to be disappointed.

I’m not going to attempt something that is bound to fail

Or least, cannot be during my time on Earth.

So leave me alone.

I want to master something,

No matter how selfish this might sound,

I dedicate my life to understanding the origin,

The cause, the reason that the world hasn’t yet changed

The reason the world is a mess,

Even though everybody is madly trying.

So you go ahead,

No matter how hard you scratch the surface,

You will never go deep enough to get a glimpse

Of the truth.

But I will.

Contradictions

Contradictions make me itchy.

They’re a sign of immaturity,

Perhaps I shouldn’t rush it.

But I look at those who’re supposed to be

Wiser than I am,

And the sad reality is that

They say one thing, and do another.

I keep reminding myself,

“Beware, don’t be like them.”

In a fight

I cannot move forward,

I am too busy shielding myself,

Protection.

I admit that I am trying to enjoy

A chaotic journey.

Will I ever have everything?

And how much am I willing to sacrifice?

Can I just let go?

The price is high no matter which road I decide to take.

But for now,

I confess that I not mature enough to go down that road.

My conscience does not allow me

To make avoidable mistakes.

So forgive me.

Forgive my little contradictions, just for now.

Forgive my inability to follow-through.

Forgive my working against my desires.

I will call you when I have things figured out.

Life Principles One Should Take for Granted

I can’t remember the last time I picked up a ‘reading-for-pleasure’ book in Arabic. The truth is, I only happened to pass by my parent’s bookshelf because I had read all the books that were in mine. I picked up a translated copy of Love Your Illness by Dr. Valerij Sinelnikov, which radically reminded of things I have forgotten. Things I had rather abandoned in the face of evidence, facts and figures. It sounds trivial, but I hope my explanation would erase this thought from your mind.

Those things, by the way, were principles.

They are rather natural, intrinsic principles. In no way they were acquired – they were only realized, ditched, and realized again.

1. I, it is me who creates my life and the world that surrounds me. I create my own world, with my thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Consequently, my body, my soul, health, relationships with family, friends and strangers – all are nothing but a reflection of my thoughts, intentions, and emotions. The without mirrors the within. So long as I construct my world, I can change it – I can change myself. 
2. Life is fair. One’s actions start not with words or behavior, but with thoughts, feelings and intentions. The thought is a form of energy that translates itself to the material world. If life sounds unfair to you in any way, introspect – look into yourself, and not at the outside world or other circumstances. Whatever it is the thought we think will rebound – it will bounce back to our life either negatively or positively. Similar things attract. A negative thought will create frustrating circumstances or illnesses. A positive thought will create love and kindness – and all sorts of helpful circumstances. You and I decide on the nature of our thoughts. They are absolutely under control.
3. There is a clear difference between the real world and the map we create of it (our perception). The subconscious mind creates a map of reality, using the knowledge and energy surrounding us, and presents it to our conscious mind. In other words, our conscious mind plays the role of a supervisor or evaluator of events and circumstances created by our subconscious mind. World-maps differ between one person and another. Thus, everyone literally lives in their own world. Our world-map is in tune with our subconscious workings of the mind, which are in constant creation since childhood – and that is how the outside is essentially a reflection of the inside.
4. Everyone is responsible for his own world. This is the responsibility law – a focal point of transition towards self-understanding and development. Watch all that goes on in your life. Consider every experience you’ve been through a wonderful life lesson. For instance, if a situation triggers certain emotional responses in you, look into yourself – they are there in your subconscious mind. Look for the positive lesson that you take from this experience. Everything that happens in our life has been caused by our thoughts – thoughts attract matching experiences; remember: similar things attract. Likewise, if you don’t like a particular trait in others, this trait is certainly already in you. Get rid of the desire to change the world or the people around you. Accept everything as it is – accept others for who they are. It is only when you change that others do. When you take responsibility for your own life, you are free to choose your thoughts and feelings.
5. The law of Perfection. A human being is but a part of this universe, and so he is constantly aspiring towards perfection. No living creature is perfect, because it is part of the whole. Thus, he unconsciously, and throughout his life-journey, aspires to be perfect – aspires towards the whole. That is the one thing that is in common among all living creatures. Everyone with their journey towards perfection – spiritually at-ease. The human is anxious for being away from home – away from his origin. The search for happiness, pleasure, and money are but unconscious ways to sense belongingness to the whole – to attain perfection.
6. The law of Optimistic Goal. It is of absolute importance to realize that our subconscious mind always aims at optimistic goals. I deeply believe that every person possesses extreme levels of complexity, and so nothing that ever happens to him is an accident or “by chance”. Everything happens for a reason. The purpose of any action is positive and good. Nobody does something wrong according to his model of the universe. There cannot be a negative aim, because, quite simply, there aren’t negative life experiences. There are only experiences and consequences. Negation exists only in our language. We never know what we want, we only know what we don’t want.
7. Your subconscious mind stores every single detail of events in your world. And that is one explanation for dreams, predictions, telepathy – things that are inexplicable in materialistic terms.
8. People create their own illnesses, and thus, they, and only they, are capable of ridding themselves of the illness by ridding themselves of its causes. The causes have accumulated inside of them, not in the outside world. Because of:
   1. Failing to understand and realize the aim and meaning of life.
   2. Failing to comprehend universal and natural laws and abide by them.
   3. The existence of negative and destructive thoughts and feelings in your conscious and subconscious mind.

Illness is a sign of imbalance and lack of harmony in the world. Hence, love your illness and accept it. Illness, of any kind, outwardly mirrors murderous thoughts, desires, intentions and perceptions. It is, in fact, a form of protection – relative to the subconscious mind – from our destructive thoughts. To heal your illness, you need to change your perceptions and thinking. People perceive illness as an enemy, but fighting illness is a form of fighting the self. When you accept your illness, you accept yourself. You use the energy, in whatever form, in a positive and creative way. Illness is a form of energy – use it to understand yourself and the world around you.

I haven’t done this post justice, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

One more thing, I don’t think principles should adhere to the laws of physics.

I imagine most of you will at least agree with one thing: we create ourselves – free will. Doesn’t it follow, then, that we can do/change/create/destroy anything?

These thoughts are comforting. I believe they feed the ego. What feels better than sensing that we’re in control?

Disconnected: My +80 hrs without Internet

I’ve been off the internet for around 87 hours: from May 21^st at 1:47 till May 24^th at 17:42.

I initially wanted to spend 72 hours offline, but as you can see, I was fine with a little more.

Why? I just really felt I needed a break. I was done with coursework earlier than expected, and with a heavier workload expected to kick off in a week, starting on May 27^th, I knew I was desperate for a recharge.

Part of the internet-prohibition program (or IPP) was concerned with examining how removing an essential element in my day-to-day life could change my behavior, thinking and daily activities (these will NOT be discussed here in full detail). It was also a test for self-control, which I’m proud to declare I’ve successfully passed.

Day 1 started at 10:00 a.m. The first thought that came to mind when I woke up was “oh! No internet today – what to do?” I got up, drank a glass of water and went down to the gym. Hold it – those of you who know me know that I don’t go to the gym! But, well, time was there and I had to kill it. I went for a swim afterwards. I was worn out by midday so I threw myself on the couch. I picked up The Big Miss by Hank Haney and decided I will finish reading it that day. It felt good to cross another book off my to-read list.

I listened to music, wrote a song, and made green tea by mistake. It seemed like an internet-free day changed how my taste buds function; I came to know that I actually like green tea now – I’ve NEVER liked green tea before.

Oh, I also cleaned up my computer, changed my desktop background, screensaver, and pointer.

Little things, I know. However, at the very beginning of the day, I began questioning whether any of my activities had anything to do with the internet: is this thing I’m eating connected to the internet? Is listening to music so? Will I break the rules if I did this and that? It was strange, but not too strange. I think it was just an indication of how fundamental the internet really is in my life. Pathetic.

The next day started off at a slower pace. I was a bit sick. I started reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wild. Internet-less, I used a dictionary to look up new definitions. I cannot even recall the last time I laid my hands on a dictionary. It must have been sitting on the self untouched for ages. I quoted beautiful phrases mentioned in the novel – many of which relate to my own thoughts. In retrospect, I was merely looking for self-confirmation – some sort of an outside source that simply agrees with what goes on inside my head, whether it’s right or wrong, ironically. I must admit, Oscar Wilde comforted me so deeply.

My nights were thought-free. My circadian rhythm was functioning perfectly. My mornings were peaceful. Disconnection gave me a pure sense of freedom from everything, even from the not-so-pleasant side of me.

I must confess though, when there were few things to do during my day, I felt I was missing the internet. I even dreamed I broke down and opened it. Not surprisingly, this happened by the end of the first 24 hours and the beginning of the following ones. My sister, lovely as she is, hammered me with questions like “giving up, yet?” Yes, I was put down for a little while but I got over it.

My ‘recently opened apps’ window was slightly too boring. Memo was frequently opened – I had no access to twitter and my thoughts needed to be written somewhere. The Music app was opened too many times as well – I must have listened to Let Her Go by Passenger at least 26 times.

Three days have passed. I woke up the next morning, the day I allowed myself to access the internet again. Strangely enough, I felt no urge whatsoever. I was slightly fearful of the things I might have missed during the last 72 hours – the e-mails I had to reply to, schedules I had to arrange.. etc. I went for a walk to get some fresh air and forget the world. It was such a beautiful day.

And by precisely 17:44…

What did I miss? Honestly, not much. Except for that one time we sat to dinner.. my sis and my parents were talking about something I hadn’t heard of because I was on IPP so … yeah.

What did I come to know?

1. I have much self-control.
2. I cannot stand not doing something.
3. I can finish a novel in two days.
4. I would marry Lord Henry.
5. I am too creative even when I am not thinking.
6. I sleep like a baby when I have nothing on my mind. I wake up early without having to set an alarm.
7. If you just want to chill and relax, internet should NOT be an option.
8. Internet is a want, not a need. You should be able to have a life without it.
9. I allow myself to get a sense of accomplishment by doing seemingly trivial things.

Okay! I know these are very definite conclusions for a relatively small and brief experiment. If I had the freedom, I would have done it for a lot longer. Perhaps I will, sometime in the future, when I am less bound by my studies and a little more free.

This break allowed me a glimpse of slow-life. Each minute of the day naturally felt like a minute long.

By the end of it, I was honestly stress-free, very cheerful and happy. I thought to myself… Life is wonderful.

…from The Picture of Dorian Gray

Oscar Wilde’s only novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray, is by far the most fascinating novel I’ve ever read. I see it as a beautiful marriage of almost all elements of life. Here are some quotes that I believe convey pure, conflicting, and baffling thoughts.

On philosophy and psychology:

To be good is to be in harmony with oneself.

The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.

Real beauty ends when the intellectual expression begins.

Anything becomes a pleasure if one does it too often.

I never approve or disapprove of anything now. It is an absurd attitude to take towards life. We are not sent into the world to air our moral prejudices.

We live in an age that reads too much to be wise, and thinks too much to be beautiful.

Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.

He felt keenly conscious of how barren all intellectual speculation is when separated from action and experiment. He knew that the senses, no less than the soul, have their spiritual mysteries to reveal.

Knowledge would be fatal. It is uncertainty that charms one. A mist makes things wonderful.

Experience was of no ethical value. It was merely the name men gave to their mistakes.

When the passion for sin, or for what the world calls sin, so dominates  nature, every fibre of the body, as every cell of the brain, seems to be instinct with fearful impulses. Men and women at such moments lose the freedom of their will. They move to their terrible end as automatons move. Choice is taken from them, and conscience is either killed, or, if it lives at all, lives but to give rebellion its fascination and disobedience its charm.

Sin is the only real colour element left in modern life.

On life and the self:

The aim of life is self-development. To realize one’s nature perfectly – that is what each of us is here for.

There is luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel that no one else has a right to blame us.

[Hedonism’s aim] is to teach man to concentrate on himself upon the moments of a life that is itself but a moment.

[People] have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one owes to oneself.

To get back one’s youth, one has merely to repeat one’s follies.

Human life – [… is] the one thing worth investigating. Compared to it, there was nothing of any value.

He wanted to be where no one would know who he was. He wanted to escape from himself.

Each man lived his own life, and paid his own price for living it. The only pity was that one had to pay so often for a single fault.

To influence a person is to give him one’s own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural desires. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.

On love and marriage:

I don’t think I am likely to marry, I am too much in love.

To see him is to worship him, to know him is to trust him.

The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people.

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

The real drawback to marriage is that it makes one unselfish. And unselfish people are colourless. They lack individuality.

Women defend themselves by attacking, just as they attack by sudden and strange surrenders.

Whatever [women] ask for they had first given to us. They create love in our natures. They have the right to demand it back.

Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect – simply a confession of failure.

When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls Romance.

Perhaps one should never put one’s worship into words.

On people:

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good character, and my enemies for their good intellects.

Nowadays people know the price of everything, and the value of nothing.

In art, as in politics, les grandpères ont toujours tort.

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.

There are only two kinds of people in the world who are really fascinating – people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

People are very fond of giving away what they need most themselves. It is what I call the depth of generosity.

Other:

You must not think I don’t like good music. I adore it, but I’m afraid of it. It makes me too romantic.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray, and the advantage of Science is that it is not emotional.

I can sympathise with everything, except suffering.

The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Abstract Art: A product of a Casual Day-off

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Stay

In the darkness, sightless
Holding my pride, needless of help
Hesitant of every step I take
Blindfolded, I walk

I trip, but manage not to fall
I don’t know what it feels like
To hit the ground
It only makes me grow in fear

I grow older, not knowing what’s it like to fall
What if I fall too hard when I’m too old – when I’m too weak?

Am I learning? I see no mistakes
Maybe tiny little blunders
But am I desperate for mistakes?
Is it a mistake not to make one?

Too wary, too cautious
Adventurous, a risk taker
I let myself go – but with you, too close, I can’t
I cannot ignore you, your eyes
They watch me, I’m too cold – I’m paralyzed

But You – You free me
Stay
You’re my mistake, I embrace Your existence
I don’t want to live in regret
I don’t want to miss the chance
Stay for as long as You can